There’s not a moment that I can point to and say “that’s the moment where I was saved”.
I have believed in God for as long as I can remember, but there has definitely been a few points in my life where it got easier to pray – it felt less like writing a formal letter and more like having a conversation. I definitely had a moment where I felt like I wanted to serve God at eleven.
When I was fourteen, I had this idea in my head that I was a Christian though I really wasn’t acting like it. I really wasn’t really dealing with things the right way. I started dealing with anxiety which turned into depression. I had panic attacks that was awful, awful, like 8 months of my life where I just could not get it together.
I was trying to get it through my head – like trying to make the connection in my brain that when God says – with just this simple fact – that when God says that He will help you, that’s not just some abstract concept. That means when you feel like you are drowning in your own emotions, you can pray to God and he will help.
It finally clicked in my head that that’s how that worked. I fell on my knees and I prayed ‘God, I’m so sorry that it took me so long, but, I’m here now.
At that point, I knew that I wanted to be a Christian but really didn’t know what that meant. I was trying to figure out… would it be like being one of those weird people? Was it like being 50% Christian and 50% regular person? I was trying to figure out the balance there.
And then I started to get to know Joy and I thought ‘that’s something completely different. That’s not what I’m doing at all.
I could look at her and knew the way she felt and heard the way she spoke and based on those things I can tell that she’s a Christian.
That was crazy! So, I asked her out.
“A few months later, I started struggling with anxiety depression again. I was like, well, nice try. I guess I was wrong about my faith in God. Well, this isn’t a life I want to live. I don’t want a life where I’m struggling with this. So, I decided to commit suicide.
I set a date and it was a perfect time. The end of a long week. I could see Joy one last time.
When I saw Joy, I don’t even remember what we talked about, I just know that at the end I came out with the idea that God needs to be my purpose; that Christ is sufficient; that He needs to be the way that I deal with my problem – he needs to be the reason that I get up in the morning.
I have not looked back!
I can’t really point to one moment where it’s like ‘that’s the moment’ where I was saved, but I feel like so many times, God has remade me, so I don’t know which one was the ‘original’ one, but I definitely know!
I think I’m ready to be baptized.